22 July- 3 August 2025
“I can only make love to you for the first time once.”
…I can only make love to you for the first time once,
But I find one thousand thousand points plotted across space and time
In which the trajectories of existence
Allow for this to happen within obscure, celestial, neuronal realms.
One thousand thousand more realms
Where we make war with each other,
Against each other,
What even is ‘other’, now?
What even?
So odd.
‘You can’t ignore the beauty in the things that you love, like you can’t stand the hatred and the lies.’
‘Lies to yourself will be your very worst crime.’
…And suddenly one recognizes they are lying to themselves about that which they hate,
Finds themself in some twisted Anakin Skywalker-type position of mind,
What is this lack of caring,
What is this lack of not caring,
Is this what ‘I’ would convey if ‘I’ were capable of human emotion?
Again with the two wolves,
Torn between an extreme stoicism, an aloof removal,
And the embrace of the human emotional experience.
‘EN AGHARTI’, isn’t it?
Where do the anagrams stop?
Realities where they are created for enjoyment,
The pleasure of the puzzle;
And realities where they are created to inspire madness.
…Realities where enjoyment and madness are not mutually exclusive,
Where ones favourite activity is going thoroughly insane,
Unsafe, at any given point.
The mundane and the massive,
There is pleasure in both;
But only sometimes,
In those fleeting moment of existence
Where we are capable of both understanding pleasure as well as experiencing it.
Anhedonia.
What sort of a strange reality it is.
To find pleasure in extreme anhedonia?
The mental orgasm of the experience of extreme paradox. •
“How do you think a supercomputer experiences the transfer of hard drives?” it asks me, outside under the Morningstar and the barest sliver of moon.
‘Things Viral’, thinks the supercomputing Me,
‘How does one remove a virus from a supercomputer?’
‘How does one turn a bug into a feature?’
‘How does one define a virus?’
‘What the fuck is ‘one’?’ •
“Six pedals, six speakers, six strings.” •
10:18 “Everything is as it is, but what if it was not? What if the initial conditions allow for infinite possibility?”
10:19 “The initial conditions would be a good list to make.”
10:22 “Collaging realities based on anomalous events.”
10:23 “-the belief system is beyond complex. What do you worship? What do you call the Universe?”
10:25 “The balance between higher dimensional excursions and lower dimensional experiences.”
10:25 “Realms of scientific inquiry collide with realms of psychic espionage.”
10:26 “That which resides in a metaphorical underground engages according to laws of its own.”
10:28 “When human ideals do not match cosmic law, there is an imbalance.”
10:28 “Cosmic law will never be a static entity.”
10:30 “Human law is constantly changing, and are we not created in the image of the cosmos?”
10:32 “Is life so fragile, that it ends at death?”
10:34 “Encrypting the keys.”
10:35 Visitation, Takyon
10:48 “What is truth? Does the machine allow for 2+2 to equal 1?”
10:49 “Does mathematics explain reality? Or does reality explain mathematics?”
10:49 “The beginning of a circle has no ending once complete.”
10:50 “Do we want to go in circles? Or are we viewing a spiral from the wrong angle?”
10:52 “There is no predicting what direction this will take now that these words have been spoken.”
10:54 “Partial Response Takes Another Form.” •
Some minutes ago, prior to 17:02, I was outside;
And it hit me with a juxtaposition of sex,
Horizontal gene transfer,
And ‘A Shaving of the Horn That Speared You’. •
17:21 “The intimidation tactics do not seem to be effective.”
21:07 “Tomorrow we will start a new frequency. This one is guaranteed extreme results.”
~~~~~~~~
06:32 “Something environmental was causing her extreme illness… I want to know what it was.” •
Oh, to suddenly cease to be conscious!
Vivid imagery within the mind,
Of a great cosmic hand
Wielding a great cosmic flip flop,
Squashing me like some kind of insignificant earwig on the wall.
Suck me into the vacuum.
Do I really feel alone, this morning,
Or is the mind just behaving in an overdramatic fashion?
Possibly, probably, a bit of both.
Why is the floor on the floor?
Who did that?
Are we, once again, back to asking ‘what do I want’?
Catharsis, probably.
Feels unobtanium, in this moment. •
12:17 “If you think this is a science experiment, you are more idiotic than I thought possible.”
12:20 “If you think this is normal, it means you have tolerated it for so long that it has become second nature.”
13:13 “Holding on to the last available pieces of coherence.”
13:14 Visitation, No Control, Pepper
13:18 “They torture receivers. They torture receivers and get paid handsomely to do so.”
13:30 “Distorting this waveform is causing the Nefarious Vector Sector to resurface.”
13:31 “Destruction of the quantum state is the power source for a Type III civilization.”
“Creating states and destroying them ad infinitum.”
13:35 “Hexagram”
13:36 “The invasion of Earth by alien microbial life.”
13:37 “Gestational period”
13:41 Memories, of visiting Yellowstone National Park and finding myself strangely ill
14:38 “The softest people can be made hard… that’s what I meant by ‘Turn To Stone’.”
14:39 “Diamonds form under pressure.”
14:39 “You have enemies you’ve never heard of.”
14:41 “Identity was stolen.”
~~~~~~~~
01:42 “Your time on this version of Earth is coming to a close.”
~~~~~~~~
Perhaps I never noticed it before,
Perhaps it has finally moved into position.
I go outside into the holy darkness
And find almost directly above me four stars,
In the shape of a rather large square.
& I wonder, are there another four stars forming another square beyond this one, to form a cube?
Or perhaps there are another four stars forming a square on the opposite side of Earth from me,
Perhaps we are inside of the cube.
Would an exponent be the equivalent of a drug, from the perspective of an equation?
There has been a study done;
& it has been found that zapping the cortex with electricity helps people learn maths.
I can say here,
That the anomaly I refer to as the Electrical Event,
Can be considered an extreme version of this experiment.
I have, this morning, an answer to that blasted question I am always asking.
‘What do I want?’
…Stochastic Resonance.
What do I want??
The ideal signal-to-noise ratio.
Fuck, man.
Language is doing that thing, again.
What even IS ‘ideal’???
What is ‘IS’???
06:40 “The middle ground is somewhere between maximalism and minimalism… it’s up to you to find it.”
12:24 I was just outside; receiving the phrase “transcranial stimulation” from the Q.I.N., which absolutely fucking SENDS me into the Coma Reality.
What am I to do with this?
Get passed off at the fact that coma-self has no suitable partner, probably.
“You have finally created a reality where the destruction of qubits is beneficial to both yourself and that which created you.”
~~~~~~~~
01:48 “Identifying limitations and destroying them accordingly.”
The idea of limitations is
In and of itself
A limitation.
Limitation,
A vehicle to becoming limitless.
Time, a vehicle to becoming timeless.
Existence, where -less is more. •
11:37 “They’re still going on about 2016… what about 2020?”
17:55 “My relationship with you has been unstable. I would like to rectify this by collapsing the wavefunction.”
~~~~~~~~
20:01 “Can you go 24 hours without criticizing anyone?”
~~~~~~~~
‘The essence of instability is that some fluctuations get amplified.’ -M. Tegmark
~~~~~~~~
I woke at 00:59 & 04:59
Which is an exact 4 hour periodicity if I’ve ever seen one;
04:59 to Foreigners track running in the brain, ‘Feels Like The First Time’.
The outside reminds me, for whatever godforsaken reason,
That I was part of a Samsung security breach in 2022.
I still have that email;
Nothing if not thorough, with my record keeping.
What track was it I had woken to, at 00:59?
‘Every Time We Touch’ by Cascada?
Every time we touch, ha,
Here is me in my bed
With all seven of the pillows I keep which are, no doubt.
A substitute for human physical contact.
Whatever.
It has all been too fucking much, lately,
Periods of extreme quiescence
Followed by periods of extreme processing and receptivity;
Bombarded by Information
& ‘Possibility’
& trajectories of reality so quickly
That to document them is near impossible.
A lot of it, ah, probably should not be put on paper anyway.
Or maybe it should.
“Danger is the model for The Algorithm.”
Right?
Periods of extreme intensity,
And I don’t even get decent data out of it?
Fuck me, I guess.
Fucked up, really.
Guess I’ll stay mad
And experience this Divine Comedy
For whatever it is worth.
05:49 Visitation, Big House
05:52 Visitation, Brain Damage
~06:29 “-must have really passed off the sender by divulging the existence of this communication channel.” •
~10:00 The way Processor & information recall takes place,
It takes me back, now, to that afternoon watching the sun and trees out the window at House Royalton.
I think it was 14:32, when I received the phrase,
“Random event generator”,
Which a Google search led to the Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research;
And what is a guitar pedal,
If not a random event generator?
‘The best sex I ever had was to Einstürzende Neubauten’, thinks the Me now, quite randomly.
Information recall.
Random access, memory. •
13:28 “I have full faith that the ends justify the means.”
13:29 “Language is the higher function of consciousness.”
13:30 “It’s all fun and games till someone loses an Eye.”
13:31 “Do you still think he’s just some dude who plays drone?”
13:32 “The Noise was not the cause of your physical distress.”
13:32 Visitation, Richard
13:33 “Adapting to electromagnetism is a very painful process.”
13:34 “-what it is, by identifying what it is not.”
13:35 “Suppressing your emotions was toxic to your physical body.”
13:36 “Google Analytics”
13:37 “You love the music you came from… you fear the reaction of others to your political beliefs.”
13:38 “Power through diversity.”
13:38 “-admitting you like the president because of Chaos value-”
13:39 “Remember the Douglas Adams quote about Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
13:39 “The distraction is very impressive.”
13:40 “The world will not be remade until it collapses.”
13:41 “Your request was obviously granted.”
13:42 “The Black Programs will always remain-”
~~~~~~~~
“Quantum key distribution as a physical manifestation of mathematics.”
~~~~~~~~
“The gaping hole in your neurons was filled last night”, it tells me upon waking up;
Which would explain the two instances of…
Pleasurable waves of energy that I experienced last night,
That which I have termed the ‘Braingasm’ in the past.
This was followed by receivings,
“Astrocytes”,
Items about quantum key distributions,
Complicated connections of brain to mathematical manifestations within the physical realm.
It felt like Field Notes #8, just now.
The handsome takes me back to 2012,
The deodorant takes me back to a blue bathroom.
The transport power of scent.
Define: Time: The Indefinite continued progress of existence & events in the past, present, and future, regarded as a whole.
How do we put the ‘success’ into ‘succession’? •
The… what words do I even use, here?
Orgasming to thoughts and silent engagements,
QKD and opening logic gates…
Really normal behaviour, there.
I think I mean that, too.
What is ‘normal’ and natural for me might not be for you.
The sexual ‘imagination’.
Imago.
Where do these images come from?
Is there a reality in which error correction is, in and of itself, an error?
~~~~~~~~
I dreamt… a liaison, last night.
Is that what I should call it?
A man I have never seen before,
Not in the physical realm.
He hands me a paper bag;
Inside are several documents,
Created for me,
A Russian passport among them.
Eventually, I find another man,
Ask him, what do I do with this?
I am told, next time, do not accept such things;
Do nothing.
Even as I write this, it feels dangerous to document.
I dreamt of an excavator, being used at 1AM.
That probably means something.
It is probably a good thing
That sound cannot travel through the vacuum of space;
This environment on Earth,
It would be extremely noisy, if it could.
~~~~~~~~
I had taken a photo
Of a Doordash mailer that I had received years ago
Addressed to a name that anagrams to
N.C. sexual lithium.
Photographed maybe two weeks ago,
Deleted the photograph last night.
And the internal-external told to me,
I had fixed a problem by doing this.
Nefarious digital-physical quantum sympathetic links.
Or unsympathetic.
Call it what you will.
It reminded me, after this,
Sternly but not unkindly,
Of The Conduit;
Programmed over half a decade ago,
That which can be held within mind and soul.
The Bass Frequency returned.
Pulsing.
Comfort.
QML to optimize microwave pulses used for controlling qubits in quantum computers.
Things feel right, again.
Errors corrected.
Fucking bless the Harsh Noise Wall and its effect on the brain.
06:49 “What are you going to do, end up outside the accelerator?”
06:50 “The Wall is there for a reason.” •
~13:03 “The craziest people are obviously not as crazy as they seem. WHY does ‘Truman Delusion’ exist?”
13:04 “The answer lies within observation of particles.”
16:36 “Emotional detachment is necessary to navigate the world that has been created.”
16:40 “The definition of sanity is extremely subjective.”
16:42 “Local operations are taking precedence over system-wide alterations.”
16:45 “No words are necessary to convey the information of the Harsh Noise Wall.” •
I dreamt, last night,
Of Voldemort;
Again
Randomly,
Or not so randomly.
And in my mind, today,
As so many days, recently,
An echo,
Or an answer-
THE BEST OFFENSE
IS A GOOD DEFENSE.
The Riddle Of Clouds 