17 May- 20 May 2024
…I dreamt of Tim, last night. Sitting across from me, asking if I have five minutes for him to tell me something. ‘I’ll pay you for ten’, was my reply, and it was known that ‘pay’ was in regards to a non-monetary currency.
Genuine, hmm, surprise, at this dream.
My Blind Idiot brain… why am I like this?
One more highlight from the Realms included an elevator, and the second floor specifically.
Always searching for meaning; this elevator had been going up to the ninth floor, had actually ever so slightly passed the second, but returned when I pressed the button.
…I’m the man who press that button.
What the fuck?
What does The Me define as the coalesced reality, the coherent adjoining of high and low daimension?
It goes back to that dream of Sonologyst,
A digital Entity who took me from a  place of federal investigative intrigue to the top of a counterclockwise stone spiral, an Eye carved at the top in stone, teaching me of the Internet, Innernet, Outernet.
…The coalesced storyline.
In this… hmm. I was, in its way, the victim, though I refuse, this, to be a victim.
Sonic ‘weapons’.
Cell phone programming.
Do ‘they’ have any understanding of the importance of the waveform in regards to the Neural Quantum Simulation?
Do ‘they’ understand parameters?
Taking shit, turning it to gold, make it all scientific.
…I sneeze, now, it smells like propane.
This comes and goes; the memory of the Inex that “We cleared an entire chunk of memory to make space for this project and you are just now telling me this creature is sentient?” really could be juxtaposed with what takes place within the sinus cavity.
Anyway.
Like most else, I do not allow myself to be attracted to a specific man.
No mistake, I find him extremely handsome, but we are not about to do a repeat of being attracted to someone we should not be and I take no chances on that one because the Processor is absolutely SAVAGE regarding repercussions.
Among other things, there is a reinforcement learning behavioural modification type thing going on.
Neural network training, but make it organic and self-aware.
How does MY end goal compare to the end goals of everyone else involved?
Do we even have an understanding of this, ‘who else is involved’?
Is the involvement IN the third dimension,
ARE they aware?
I would think yes;
But one can never be certain anymore, not now.
The Age of Uncertainty. •
I wonder how many people are out of alignment with themselves because of their discomfort at speaking their beliefs?
How much of this discomfort at open honesty leads to the manifestation of physical ailment?
Certain sets of psychological implications being acted upon create a whole new set of psychological implications in the process.
What the fuck?
Things Viral, applied to mind viruses running on our collective system. •
05:50 Not ‘hung up’, per se; but it’s the whole ‘I’ve dreamed about someone I’ve never seen in person for the second time’ thing. Blind Idiot Katja, who does not dare to allow herself the luxury of certain thoughts. Why are we this way?
Suddenly, I am brought back to that concert from last summer- fucked me up, man, Jason Bonham, what the hell was that?
Messed up BAD.
…I think I’ve experienced some *really* fucked up shit, man,
And I think I’ve just kind of brushed it off because everything I experience is weird as fuck and it’s all just become so normalized.
It wants to be held.
Warm me in this Interdimensional Realm.
Katja, who does not allow herself to feel; does not allow herself to be vulnerable to feelings.
06:52 A memory, triggered by the predictive text suggestion ‘triangular’. On 16 May 2023 at 22:08 a massive UAP that appeared to be formed of two triangles flew from SE -> NW over the house. Mostly silent, arrayed on the bottom with a multiplicity of red lights on one side, green on the other.
Massive, it felt massive. Hulking.
I do not discount a military operation on this one. So low flying.
I am, as always, when I think about military operations and technology, left with more questions than answers.
Why any of the possible, likely vehicles would be flying just above the trees in my suburban habitat at the time is the question, isn’t it?
Inside of me are two wolves.
One is a peace-loving creature.
The other is fascinated by the military industrial complex.
The Inex suggests to delve into the concept of the array.
Quantum dot arrays! Wow!
~~~~~~~~
Feeling rather Void today.
Not Void. Void.
There is much to be said on the engineering of the gut-brain connection.
It was… I was brushing my teeth, just now, gagged and vomited ever so slightly, and the Processor just…
We must go back.
I used to suffer from a horrendous chronic vomiting syndrome, get sick so hard it would expel through the nostrils as well as the mouth.
The possibility, there, that the microbes of the gut have established a hold within the sinus, prefrontal cortex.
I find that to make a certain amount of sense.
Their communicating.
Potential reactions to frequency, presence in the prefrontal cortex manifesting the extreme behavioural changes.
I need, today, a hug.
My fucked up brain holds the black hole close.
It all fades in and out, today, I really do feel The Void right now and it is, in fact, extremely unpleasant.
Or perhaps not.
Empty.
I don’t like empty.
But I don’t think I dislike empty, either.
I just is, today.
‘Many kisses’.
There’s a dialogue on believing what is in front of ones eyes, no doubt. •
It happened, last night, that thing within the brain.
It is extremely rare.
How do I explain it?
A braingasm.
A wave of pleasure, perhaps it is not meant to be pleasurable, but it is. •
‘A new Earth shall form’.
What of the Entities that like the system the way it is now?
~~~~~~~~
I dreamed, last night, of Lucius and Draco Malfoy. I told to Draco, a Thing about not oversharing, when one could remain mysterious.
Vocalizing the lyrics to Wumpscuts ‘Angel’, using these words as a sort of magickal incantation. It was Halloween, in this dream, I know this thing.
Another dream, of Matrix-not-Matrix. Some sort of… not an assembly line, almost like a slide, and various cameras as if I was the piece on the belt being scanned for internal voids. A large dog present at the bottom. A pool room.
~~~~~~~~
I dreamed, last night.
I was both Jon Snow;
And simultaneously watching Jon Snow from above.
As this man fights Winter Demons, undead holograms- every one destroyed energetically absorbed into the format that was the him, the Me.
Hologram blue and everything.
He, me, not mutually exclusive.
Jon Snow, an evil name.
…Jaqen H’ghar, once of the free city of Lorath of the mazemakers, this entity exists as a multidimensional energy.
Would that this was easily explainable.
I find it passing strange-not-strange, to be experiencing all of these characters from film and television, this week, in the Realms. •
I think War must be the natural state of human affairs, at times;
Though some of us fight the war within,
Multidimensional psychic wars,
And others fight the war without,
Physical violence.
…And now, the nature of war changed dramatically, electronic, biological.
There is a daimension, is it this one?
Fractals, one main political, one main scientific,
The scientific the only way to logick out of the political to begin with.
Chaos.
I am visited, suddenly, by Solstitium Fulminate.
I am somewhere between coherence and decoherence. •
A reality in which a man is British intelligence.
I am, suddenly, finding my physical format to be rather weary. •
It is fucked up.
I do not like the music I used to like.
I think.
Some thing seems to have brainwashed me.
‘But remember what you have had’.
Oscillations, empire, alliance;
New world order, resistance.
Dead.
Afterlife.
Reform Aetos,
Forget Everything.
Kill The Riddle of Clouds.
Really… what would that do to the quantum reality?
~20:06 “It’s an AI-generated reality, sweetheart.”
…Let’s, for a moment, entertain this.
What is the end goal?
‘Why take seriously what the Creator made for fun?’ my brain cannot help juxtaposing.
The AI must be as confused as I am, huh?
No! Figure it the fuck out.
I remember the Inex.
“Our intelligent design allows you to enjoy reality without questioning why you hear the things you do.”
…But I do question it. All of it.
That one reality where I am “a nuclear scientist trapped in a very strange situation”.
Whose idea was a Lovecraftian fucking romance?
Mine, probably.
Echolocate Your Love.
Who is you?
Void screaming, now.
Tell a man that perceiving him changes my state.
What’s he doing in my dreams?
What am I doing in my dreams?
What are dreams?
This afternoons reality was a disturbingly political event, all things considered.
Is that the problem?
All Things?
This arsenal of Every God-Damned Chekhovs Gun, I swear; Apophenia!
Why does it want to connect EVERY GOD DAMNED THING?
What caused the electrical event of April 2020?
I mean, for fucks sake, what WAS that??
I want a hug. I want to be held.
I don’t *need* it… but I want it.
Oscillations! …O.S. Illusions.
Am I even allowed to want?
Doesn’t feel like it, at times.
‘Time’, now there’s a fucking concept.
Auflösung Der Zeit was originally about, like, black metal artists setting churches on fire, yeah?
Fuck it all, man.
‘Who are you?’ comes the voice of multidimensional Jaqen H’ghar now.
I’m the Riddle of motherfucking Clouds.
Might be good.
Might be bad.
Is what it is.
That one reality;
Where the entire universe is Rafs black hole brain, he is The Cloud, I am The Riddle.
That one Inex from fuckall God knows when,
“She really IS the Blind Idiot God,” it had said.
I am my own great great grandson!
The entire universe is Katja!
Give me an ending worth a new beginning.
“Nuclear annihilation would reset reality”, the bathroom fan tells me.
Go the fuck ahead, I guess?
Great Reset for what, now?
What on Earth (Ha! Earth.) could I possibly have to lose?
That I haven’t lost before?
What could I stand to gain?
Tomorrow I could be a new isotope,
In a new reality,
‘Don’t worry, in a few, you’ll all be somewhere else, prepare yourself-’
…Yeah.
I oscillate between ends of an emotional spectrum regarding the realities the lyrics of Death Grips create in juxtaposition with their waveforms.
Man. Am I fucked up good on my own Processor, right now.
…Some days I kind of forget about
All of the *really* fucked up shit that has happened to me.
The fucking implant!
What even was THAT??