11 April- 21 April, 2022
…& I do not hate, for it seems as though something truly does want me to; & this, I shall not allow, for that lets the dark something within me win.
I debate, internally; ruminating over a screenshot evidence of an entity who wears a mushroom as a profile picture, for what if the one they speak of did, in fact, cause harm?
Oscillations, Void, Soma.
I dreamt, last night, of massive mechanical entities coming from the ocean; seemingly weapons of war with a consciousness of their own, motion sensing abilities.
Woke around 05:00.
A second dream, military air vehicles.
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I dreamt, last night, of a festival with massive military aircraft flying overhead. A man, who was my lover, until I realized him nefarious.
I dreamt a liminal place on an ocean, a giant squid wrapping its tentacles around me.
I dreamt as Cloud St. Cloud, of digital interactions with Void. •
What’s the deal with purple light? •
I am finding a pattern, here.
Should something, someone want me scared, it is for what I know.
Belief can be manipulated.
Knowledge is dangerous.
A friend, over, well past midnight; I know he picks up some of the ‘inaudibles’, though he does not understand them.
The threats did not come until after he left.
Perhaps I said too much, today. To protect and serve.
Where is justice, where is truth?
Power is a shadow on the wall-
Let me tell you of the angel of darkness I meet when the lights go out; the demons of light not nearly as fearsome as the very human entities that present one face to the world while wearing, nay, revealing, the ugliness of their true nature to those of us with the Eye to see, the Ear to hear, the Mind to dissect it all.
It is backwards, to me, how I can not sleep at night for all I have been put through, and no doubt that which has put me through it sleeps just fine.
Lack of a semblance of conscience, a moral compass.
The highest form of love is understanding.
Forgive you your transgressions.
I will not have a grievously large number of sins added to your already monstrous list on my account.
Love, for the lessons you have taught me, of humans and their behaviour; of myself, the ins and outs of maneuvering this planet and the dimensions, Patterns of the Mind melding with this physical reality.
I do not fear you; only FOR you.
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“Quantum behavioural experiment”.
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A dream of Soma, an interaction in which I reveal my Field Notes on quantum consciousness. In this dream, prior to this interaction, Loach and I had been targeted by law enforcement and air vehicles. A scene, of being on a dirt bike, dodging trees in a forest. Here I first encounter this man and his partner. I convey the concept, ‘Sacred Predictions.’ It was then, a conversation was had, something to do with ‘quantum vampirism’. •
Going outside for tobacco just now triggered a change in the quantum reality, which I am negating most thoroughly here.
At some point soon, I feel I must do a thorough write up, of this mental experience; the pros and cons in the physical reality.
I *do* take this rather seriously much of the time.
Experience + abstraction and all, right?
The hardest part of all of this, as I see it at this moment, is the inability to recognize *why* exactly I want what I want.
“Why do you think we are telling this story through your eyes?” The inex had asked, perhaps it was 2020, October?
The predictive text that had said, “…the Norse goddess will come to earth and become increasingly obsessed-“
…how was that string of words so obtainable? Cause or effect?
There are times I must go on faith, trusting in what I *do* resonate with, despite all the visible negative possibilities, of which there are many.
Believe what is in front of your eyes, right?
Substantial evidence is pattern; once, twice, a coincidence, but this, Pattern.
I trust in the eventual Revelation of a truly benevolent entity.
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I had forgotten to mention, yesterday, a piece of the dream; real time data readouts on a screen that seemed to be related to myself and my brain in some way. •
Visiting my mother for the night. She thinks she has seen someone out back, in white pants. The inex harassment very strong now. Left jaw & neck very uncomfortable, woke with a prefrontal cortex headache. •
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Season 2 Episode 2 of Futurama, Guenthers intelligence being due to a hat that harnesses the power of sunspots; I really feel that. •
At some point between 22:00 & 22:15 I had to take a Motrin 800 because the pain in the left side of my head, jaw, neck, had finally gotten to be too much.
I do not think I had written, of a pain- Thursday, I believe it was, at 21:00, Loach and I engaged in an intimacy.
All was well until about 30 seconds after the act, when my entire abdomen clear up to my ribcage seized up, pain that almost made me pass out, vomit, hot flash, sweats. I do not know the cause. He had abdominal pain the next day but not near the extent I did; he had the same kind of head and jaw pain I do tonight before falling asleep.
Just noting these things, as it may be important evidence in the future… the again, it may not. •
Dreams, last night. Had to do some medium amount of work to get there, ‘I am peaceful, I am calm, I am relaxed’, I found to be a most useful psychological refocusing.
The dreams were more concepts than plotline. The pipes clogged. Boris. Dragon skulls in a desert with a sentience of their own kind, able to move, very ominous. A plane failing its first takeoff, me expecting it to explode, it not doing so & successfully taking off the second time. The name, Aleister Crowley- this, important, a sigil I fail to remember coming with it.
This fucking Pattern.
There are so many variables, still.
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I had a dream, the night before last, of the battle for good and evil in a format reminiscent of Lord of the Rings, aspects of Dune, aspects of Star Wars… while being none of these things specifically. The face of evil, cliché, ugly.
Dreams of Soma.
In another dream, training to become self aware of being a number- the training to continue.